It’s that time of year, Dude: Wal-Marts are filling up with heart-shaped boxes. Targets are teeming with chocolates. Girlish hopes are being hung by hearts’ hearth-fires with care. Yep, Valentine’s Day is a-comin’. Now, if you’re like most single men, you’re probably nervously pacing around your studio apartment right now, wondering how to even begin woo-ing that Woman o’ Your Dreams. But you need not fear, Li’l Feller! Wonder Woo-ing Woman is most definitely here.
Step One: Groom Your Appearance in an Un-Groomed Fashion
Relax, Honey. Bathing, grooming: It’s overrated. The Woman o’ Your Dreams wants an un-groomed, manly man so she’s able to look all the beautiful-er in contrast. So, let those facial follicles flourish, and let the dirt/sweat cleave to your skin. Trust me. The more you look like a wild caveman whilst you woo, the better.
Step Two: Dress Yourself in a Laborious Fashion
Put away the tight-fitting t-shirts! Toss out the designer jeans! We ladies want a man who is ready, dressed, and willing to labor for our love. So, put on a tattered plaid shirt; strap on some durable overalls; lace up the lumberjack-looking boots; don a straw hat; and strut that stuff. Trust me. The Woman o’ Your Dreams has been waiting a long time for a hardworking, peasant-looking man to sweep her off her feet.
Step Three: Demonstrate Your Athletic Abilities to Her
The age of big muscles is over. The time of spending hours in front of Gold’s Gym’s mirrors is through. We ladies just want a guy who participates in such pansy-like physical exertions as Frolic-ing, Traipse-ing and/or Sauntering. So, grab that Woman o’ Your Dreams by the hand; take her to the nearest open meadow; and unabashedly demonstrate those awe-inspiring athletic abilities of yours. Trust me. Upon seeing those lithe muscles, that woman will definitely be feelin’ the woo-age.
Step Four: Learn to Play an Unassuming Instrument and Play a Solo for Her
It’s cliché, but it’s still true: Music is the key to a woman’s locked heart-gate. But the egotistical finger-picking and narcissistic piano-prelude-ing just ain’t gonna do it, Fella. The Woman o’ Your Dreams wants a humble man, a man who plays such unassuming instruments as the lute, the flute, or the recorder. So, pay for some one-on-one instruction; take a few lessons; and play a soothing solo for that woman. Trust me. I’ve never seen one woman’s heartstrings not be tenderly tugged by a good lute solo before.
Step Five: Compose Her Some Good Musics
Using this instrument as your musical foundation, then, compose that Woman o’ Your Dreams a few Odes to Her Occipital Lobes, a few Paeans to Her Pericardium, and a couple of Hymns to Her Hamstrings. Why? Because The Woman o’ Your Dreams, like all women, has always been secretly harboring hopes that a mentally unstable man would fall so madly in love with her, he’d obsessive/compulsively compose original, anatomically-specific musical orations/lyrical pieces, just for her. Trust me. She totally has.
Step Six: Give Her a Biblically-Alluded Compliment Eye to Eye
The boring compliments are getting old, Honey. Don’t type, “You’re hot,” onto that woman’s Facebook profile page. Don’t tweet, “You have gorgeous eyes,” onto her twitter feed. Simply look her straight in the eyes and say, “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mt. Gilead.” Trust me. No woman can resist a good Biblically-alluded compliment given eye to eye.
Step Seven: Recite Her Archaic Poetry
Put away the didactic dissertation! Let the philosophical treatises alone! We women are not logical creatures—no, no! We are poetry incarnate, and we love us some good metre-d metaphors. So, crack out the erotic Catullus; dust off the seductive Sir Walter Raleigh; and start reciting that out-dated poetry. Trust me. The Woman o’ Your Dreams has always been just a few archaic poems away from the warmth of your embrace.
Step Eight: Make Her Handmade Tokens o’ Affection
That Woman o’ Your Dreams doesn’t want ropes of diamonds or strings of pearls—oh, no. She just wants a man who can put his kind, sensitive, deft hand where his mouth is. So, whittle a jewelry box out of a piece of driftwood; embroider a Peter Paul Rubens painting onto a pillowcase; and hand those tokens of affection on over to her. Trust me. The Woman o’ Your Dreams has been waiting a long time for a man who knows the age-old adage: “Hand-Embroidered, Renaissance-Painting Pillowcases and Whittled-Driftwood Jewelry Boxes speak a helluva lot louder than words.”
Step Nine: Prepare Her an Organic Meal
Show her what a good provider you are: Prepare her a meal. Don’t just heat up some generic Hunt’s spaghetti sauce, though! Go organic. Go green. Take out the longbow that’s been collecting dust at the bottom of your hope chest, and hunt down a few cage-free, grass-fed, wild boars. Then, skewer ‘em; roast ‘em over a spit for a few hours; and plop those babies onto the table in front of her. Trust me. Upon seeing the bountiful organic boar-feast you so benevolently prepared for her, that Woman will be officially woo-ed.
Yes, by simply following these straightforward, logical steps, The Woman o’ Your Dreams will be all yours, Li’l Feller. So, stop wasting that precious time and fecundity and get out there! Grab the sword of Literate Thoughtfulness and the shield of Insane Passion, and woo that perpetual loneliness over the hills and far away.
Miss Megan Michelle is a former Classics Major, greatly-skilled Goatherdess and full-time Romantic who has always loved The Living Logos