Monday, February 19th, 2007
Alec: Are you on this badboy?
Brandon: I am.
Alec: Wanna chat about Norway?
Brandon: Sure. So… how do we do it?
Alec: No ground rules. Ramble now, edit later. Maybe we should be drunk?
Brandon: Well, I still have no home Internet, so I’m in this coffee shop… no alcohol. But it should be noted that I’m listening to Norwegian black metal through tiny headphones: 1349’s Hellfire.
Alec: Are you really? Maybe we should kick off with an explanation of the difference between metals—black, heavy, and death. People seem to get it confused. Wouldn’t Norwegians be upset by this categorization error?
Brandon: We could. There was some metal at the festival—notably, Keep Of Kalessin. It might be more interesting, though, to skip the music analysis and talk more about our specific visit…
Alec: I guess so, yes
Brandon: How many times did you slip on the permafrost?
Alec: Not once, despite the fact that I was woefully unprepared in terms of footwear. I remember thinking if I lived in Trondheim, I would certainly invest in golf cleats. How about yourself?
Brandon: I never fell either, which is equally amazing. I was pretty callous in the routes I took through snow banks, etc. I even balanced on the train tracks a few times. I think sneakers work better than boots—more flexibility and traction. I never wear boots. One of my things.
Alec: I think a healthy wariness sets in if you avoid appropriate footwear.
Brandon: I agree. Andy [another journalist on the trip—ed] fell three times…maybe more. And he had boots. Ultimately, his wariness became unhealthy! It made him adjust his behavior too much…
Alec: Well, we’re talking here about the difference between wariness and conditioned behavior. Wariness = good. The skittishness that sets in after touching a hot stove = bad.
Brandon: Right…he started trying to walk differently once he tripped so many times. With a wounded pimp step.
Alec: Probably because he also had a burly Viking beard. He thought he fit in; it was overconfidence.
Brandon: I should ask him what went through his head each time he bit it. Beards… Is it me or were there not that many beards? At least not where we were hanging out.
Alec: Definitely, a clean-cut graphic designer look predominanted. But speaking of wariness, was there anything you were worried about before landing in Norway? I have to say, not having been before, I was concerned about the Aryan thing. Most of the concerts took place in Dora, a WWII-era Nazi submarine bunker. I was also concerned about the idea that I’d have to eat whole fish three meals a day.
Brandon: Ha ha. I don’t think I was wary of anything — actually, I was nervous about expenses because last time I was there the cost of things shocked me… or the low low American dollar shocked me. I also met up with some first-wave black metal dudes, but the cost still made me more nervous. [Note: first wave black metal dudes are known for murdering people and burning down chuches-ed.]
Alec: It worked out alright though, right? Not only did the hotel have breakfast & dinner included, but the currency was adorable. The abbreviation for Norwegian Kroner is NOK. Gotta love that. And I have to say, the inflated cost of Norwegian goods has nothing on Iceland.
Brandon: You’re right on all counts. The free hotel meals as well as the events the By:Larm folks planned made it OK. Still, despite that financial cushion, I got a call from HSBC today, afraid someone had stolen my card and taken it to Norway.
Alec: I agree with the bank’s confusion. The whole trip did have this random quality to it. Was this the most inexplicable foreign country you’ve ever been to?
Brandon: Actually, I found myself feeling especially calm– almost hazy–in Norway. Hazy in a good afternoon nap way. Amsterdam was more confusing, or inexplicable: small but delicious beers, the odd undesirability of the women in the windows. Norway = warm blanket
Alec: I feel the flipside may be true for the Norwegians themselves, though, that the famous Scandinavian sense of order–IKEA, extremely rectilinear architecture, plenty of fish oils in the diet–well, that somehow it drives them crazy.
Brandon: I don’t know–I think Norwegians seem especially level. When I first went to Oslo, it sorta freaked me out.
Alec: Explain.
Brandon: People my own age with kids and boats and real jobs, and this keen confidence, a sort of mellow assuredness
Alec: I guess I sense there’s a John Cheever-esque quality to it, a chaotic internal life behind the perfection. Only without the competitiveness and the swimming. I mean, these people are the ancestors of Vikings!
Brandon: I’d say less Cheever and more Proust. Only because he was more into bright colors, and fine fabrics
Alec: But you agree their great-great-great-grandparents would have kicked Braveheart’s ass!
Brandon: Definitely! But Cheever seems too American. I do get what you’re saying; I just remember, in Oslo, feeling especially ragged compared to everyone else.
Alec: I was impressed by the Norwegian sense of style. Why don’t we talk about how this intertwines with the quality of Norway’s weather? Speaking of warm blankets. I think one of us commented that their fashion sense was aided by the constant need to layer clothing. Jackets over sweaters over button-ups over t-shirts simply allows for more flair than, say, flip-flops, t-shirts, and a pair of board shorts.
Brandon: The haircuts there are great, too. We’ve both been to Iceland fairly recently. Better hair: Iceland or Norway?
Alec: Norway. I’m a sucker for blondes, and there’s even more of them there.
Brandon: But also women with really black hair. These extremes. Did you notice that?
Alec: Pale blondes, blondes with rich brown undercurrents, and yeah, lots of inky black hair. It’s weird. Everyone’s hair was of a consistent thickness, though.
Brandon: You describe hair like wine! Nice. Also, lots of the haircuts were asymmetrical in subtle-ass ways…
Alec: Very impressive, multi-directional ponytail type things going on.
Brandon: I saw a couple balding dudes, but yeah– in the minority…
Alec: They have mastered hair origami.
Brandon: Icelandic hair is a little more jagged and noticeably coiffed.
Alec: I was really impressed when I was in Iceland, but I have to say they were lapped by the Norwegians. Maybe it has to do with their relative mellowness in the realm of recreation and public health. I can’t remember the last time I was at a rock show with fewer drunk people. I’m not saying it brought me back to my straight edge days or anything but people in Trondheim took it pretty easy— our last night in the Norwegian biker bar notwithstanding.
Brandon: It could be the weak beer! It was great, but I felt like I could drink a dozen and not get drunk. What’s up with that?
Alec: Is the weakness a verifiable fact, or only a theory?
Brandon: The greatness of the biker bar is verifiable; the weakness of the alcohol is only a theory. I’m just curious as to why I was never drunk despite drinking way more than I do in NYC. The cold perhaps? Seriously– the night I saw Skatebärd in that basement bar place and then went to Sareena-Maneesh Vegard’s hotel, I had like fourteen beers (and, well, some wine). Not even tipsy!
Alec: Maybe it was the jetlag and the darkness. Contrary to expectation, I didn’t feel like I needed one of those seasonal disaffective disorder nightlights, but we were getting, what, a maximum of eight hours of sunlight a day? As long as we didn’t sleep fourteen hours a day we felt like we were really keeping on top of things.
Brandon: The darkness is what did me in re: a couple super late nights. I assumed it was 3 a.m. when it was actually 7 a.m. I slept two hours one night, five the other. Forget how many the first. Six? Not that much, I suppose
Alec: Did any of the Norwegians you talk to report similar sleep patterns? Or do you think you were an outlier in terms of Nordic sleep norms?
Brandon: I think I was just in festival mode. Claes [curator of the summer Oya Festival told me he got a good amount of sleep because he has two young children at home-- so he took advantage of the Trondheim silence. Others seemed surprised when [Pitchfork & Village Voice contributor] Zach Baron and I mentioned our sleep patterns. Maybe we’re frat boys once we get outside the US? That could be it. It’s hard to tell, though. Plus—we’re not witnessing regular Norway. Everyone’s hopped-up re: the shows and off their normal game. We ought to go back to Trondheim next week and see how we fare.
Alec: You know, now that you mention it – viz, the relative hopped-upness one experiences at rock festivals – that makes me even more impressed by the behavior of the locals. There was remarkably little spazziness on display, though you and Zach missed out on the prime, audience misadventure at the biker bar, the goings on within a five foot radius of the stage. The scene was unlike anything I’d ever seen really. I mean, you think traditional American biker bar, and what comes to mind? Hell’s Angels, Hunter S. Thompson getting his head stomped in, some dude getting stabbed at a Rolling Stone’s concert at Altamont Speedway, perhaps a husky suburban executive letting off some steam on weekends by riding around in leather chaps. But the first thing I saw at that bar in Trondheim was a pair of dudes and a pair of ladies making out. And the latter make-out session wasn’t even Penthouse quality, they were living the lifestyle. Only in Norway would a biker bar be a bastion of tolerance.
Brandon: I sorta think it was a different crowd than normal because it was specifically an after-party for By:Larm, organized by New Violators frontman Per Borten for the Moving Oos, his boogie-rock side-project. Again, let’s go back next week! I’m sure we’d see more greasy ponytails. And patches. Did you catch the bar’s logo?
Alec: It was a skeleton right? Grateful Dead-style.
Brandon: Yeah. But I didn’t see anyone wearing it there. Actually, maybe the bartenders were a good hint at the usual crowd. Oldish dudes and ladies with that sorta worn, road-ready look.
Alec: …which is part of what impressed me about their apparent tolerance.
Brandon: That’s true. That they’d let hipsters hang out there. You’re right
Alec: They were accepting.
Brandon: Beautiful!
Alec: And, I don’t know if you heard, but Per mention that the lead singer of the Moving OOs is an actual truck driver. So there was perhaps some hipster/biker cross-pollination going on, even on stage.
Brandon: I did hear that, yeah. Definitely a highlight. A super joyous night. And, btw, I was up close for a while, before drifting toward the back. It was great except for that strange phenomenon of women knocking me over. When they wanted to get past you, they would just bowl you over. You know what I mean? It seemed to happen to me even when there was clearly space to get around…
Alec: Yeah, I noticed the aggressiveness of the women — at least in the limited interactions I had with them.
Brandon: Men did it, too, but mostly women. Indoor navigation was often harder than being outside. The snow wasn’t that bad. Or the ice. But standing indoors– like I was watching this one band, Salvatore, in a small corner bar, The Ramp, and was almost knocked down a dozen times by ladies making a byline to the bathroom. I kept moving, but must’ve had a target on my chest.
Alec: It was like they would get a clear, ten foot head start and then charge. Then thwack.
Brandon: But they seemed so mellow about it. Like it was aggressive but not angry. A mellow thwack. I started calling it Manifest Destiny, not that that was mellow…
Alec: Yeah, I mean it was no NYHC scene. Or disco fever scene. I
never thought, why are all these bridge and tunnel kids grab-assing and looking to ruin the mosh pit?
Brandon: Right—it was just like they were entitled to a specific space. No need to be violent about it. Just thwack the others aside.
Alec: I took it to be more of a Sadie Hawkins Day kind of thing. If we’re going to start conflating Scandinavians, the aggression had a Bjork-like quality to it. It was an impish, good-natured violence.
Brandon: Ha ha. I didn’t feel Sadie Hawkins.
Alec: Well, I’m optimistic, and a romantic, and yeah, their haircuts were really terrific. And, as we’ve established neither of us ever got knocked down. If we fell, who knows, we might have been dragged home by one of them and ended up settling down in suburban Trondheim.
Brandon: Speaking of which, what did you think of the food? Despite my usual non-dairy, semi-vegan ways, I really liked that brown cheese. I threw caution to the wind, as I usually do when traveling—the Aquavit was great, though it was funny to learn that mostly old people dig it. Anyhow, thoughts?
Alec: Besides the sweet, earthy brown cheese (Geitost!) and Aquavit’s bitter sting, I found the cuisine to be typical Euro. Yogurt and granola, nice crusty bread, and interesting salmon coldcuts. Plus the weird European idea that chocolatey Nutella is a breakfast food. Specific to Norway, they did have very tasty fish. It didn’t smell and thankfully, it they weren’t enamored with presenting their fish with the head-on. I hate that. Did I share with you the completely awesome fish-based metaphor the daily By: Larm newspaper used to describe one band?
Brandon: Yes.
Alec: Let me repeat it anyway. "Lorraine have taken on the ‘fish-outline’ school of song structure — a full body, then tapering before a swelling again to the tail"
Brandon: That was fairly amazing.
Alec: So awesome.
Brandon: Ha Ha.
Alec: Kind of claiming fish outlines back from the anti-Darwinists.
Brandon: I like that it’s also a woman’s name. Like they’re describing a person.
Alec: As long as the music industry is still looking for tricks on how to revive their fortunes at retail, I think there should be an entire "fish-outline" rock section at record stores: Coldplay, Arcade Fire, Radiohead, U2. Maybe throw in a shapely female singer-songwriter or two if you’re going to make "fish-outline" a double entendre.
Brandon: Shakira, right?
Alec: How do you think we’re doing with this thing so far?
Brandon: I think we’re doing well.
Alec: I think we should talk about the Norwegian cold. It had specific qualities. Like California heatwaves. You know, "At least it’s a dry heat."
Brandon: I definitely noticed/felt that. I stopped wearing a hat at some point. It was cold, but it felt clean and never made it to the bones. Reminded me of how that kid in Rick Moody’s The Ice Storm says the cold freezes all the molecules, or whatever.
Alec: I feel like in Norway I just smelled better. Because the trip was so unexpected, and I traveled there with a minimum of freshly-laundered clothes, I found it necessary to revisit old clothes more than I normally would, yet, in spite of all the layering, I seemed to produce far less sweat than usual. It was another otherwordly element of the trip.
Brandon: I wore the same jeans and sweatshirt everyday and it all smells like detergent. Also, I still don’t own long underwear. People suggested I buy some, but I was never that cold. It seems colder in Brooklyn today. Hey, how long is this thing supposed to be?
Alec: I don’t think they care one way or the other, but I think editing will be key.
Brandon: Can we add more in edits?
Alec: Not sure.
Brandon: Maybe that’s against the "rules"?
Alec: No rules. As long as we don’t get all Prousty or bloated. I think the key is that we never think too hard.
Brandon: Agreed. Good talking. Bye! Btw, currently listening to Gorgoroth…
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