On Why Acupuncture Is The Greatest
By Megan Michelle
Sunday, April 4th, 2010

A lot of people are afraid of pain, but not me. A lot of people avoid suffering, but not me. I’m always willingly placing myself in situations that are going to test me, hurt me, cost me—but are also going to pay someone else’s debtors—because I always thought Hayzeus Cristo was really good-looking and had really cool hair and therefore should be copied.

About eight months ago I was lazing around the living room, thinking about how cool alternative forms of medicine are and how I could copy Hayzeus Cristo, when a brilliant idea popped into my head: “Hey, maybe I could go try acupuncture!” I thought to myself. “I mean, I know they used big nails to pierce Hayzeus’ hands and feet and a massive spear to pierce His side, but needles are pretty close to those things, and alternative forms of medicine are really cool, and I want to copy Hayzeus Cristo…so…yeah! I’ll go try acupuncture!”

That afternoon I marched straight into the nearest random acupuncture office and tried my first session. Boy, am I glad I did. It has ended up helping my mental illnesses and other various ailments more than any other form of medicine—alternative or otherwise. I’m a regular acupuncture-goer, now, actually. I go once a week, on Mondays. My family doesn’t go with me, but they’re still appreciative of it—mostly because it’s really nice for them to have me not suffering from so many mental illnesses and other various ailments all of the time. The fact that my family benefits from me going to acupuncture just makes me that much more glad I go because that’s what Hayzeus Cristo did: got stuff stuck in Him so that other people wouldn’t have to deal with a bunch of sinful mental illnesses and various sinful ailments all of the time.

Now, I’ll be the first one to admit that having a bunch of needles stuck in you kind of hurts and that the first few sessions were kinda hard, but honestly, having gotten over the whole sticking-needles-into-sensitive-flesh/excruciating agony part, I’ve come to find that acupuncture is kind of nice and I look forward to my acupuncture sessions on Monday. I’ve come to find that whenever my acupuncturist, Mr. Acupuncture Man (aka Yahweh), sticks those needles into my hands and feet, I easily say—“Not my will, but Your will be done, Mr. Acupuncture Man (aka Yahweh)!” And I think the reason I say that so easily is because I know my mental illnesses—the manic-depression, obsession/compulsion, post-traumatic stress disorder, phobia of people, addiction to painkillers, paranoia, hallucinations, etc.—as well as all of my other various ailments—indigestion, insomnia, arthritis, lower back pain, upper back pain, pretty much any other kind of pain, migraines, tinnitus, endometriosis/menstrual problems, infertility, sinus problems, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, sports injuries, etc.—will be relieved, and that that relief will then relieve my family of having to deal with my mental illnesses and all of my other various ailments all of the time.

So, that’s basically why I think acupuncture is the greatest, and why I think everyone should go try it. I’m pretty sure that if everyone did try acupuncture, they’d all end up breezing their way through those pearly gates and sitting at God’s right hand once their Day of Judgment comes, just like Hayzeus Cristo and me.

Miss Megan Michelle is a former Classics Major, greatly-skilled Goatherdess and full-time Romantic who has always loved The Living Logos.

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