On Tour With Crypta-Seize!
By Sufjan Stevens
Friday, October 9th, 2009

cleveland

Finally! A dream fulfilled! I’m touring with the pop sensation Crypta-Seize. The glamour. The strobe lights! The paparazzi! The eye shadow. Pinch me now, wake me from this fabulous slumber, lest I spend an eternity of fantasies ensconced in stage lights and taffeta and ticker tape. I am star struck! Guitarist Chris Cohen’s school-boy sweaters and plaid button-ups and 1950s good-boy hair-cut taunt and tease the legions of teenage fans. And what about lead singer Nedelle with her exotic Italian pout, her 80’s housewife attire: high waisted jeans, oversized Ts, and a vibrant “mom-bob”? The bass player who looks as if he’s just been Bar-mitvahed. A jazz drummer who looks like Jooaquin Phoenix, the rapper, not the actor.  This is the recipe for Hot Rocks! I am living the dream!

The publicist says I get to email Nedelle Torrisi some Qs about stardom, stadiums, and starlight mints (on their rider!). What should I ask?

Q:  Nedelle, I’m so excited to ask you: what’s it like on stage, with all the lights, with all the screaming fans, with all the feedback from the monitors!?
A: I’m in spotlight hog heaven, really. I’m living the dream. It took me a long time to get here, but I’ve arrived and I’m here to stay.

Q: Do you practice your dance moves back stage in front of a mirror?
A: Yes, my moves don’t just materialize out of thin air. Everything I’m presenting to the fans is a result of hard work and lessons from Patty’s Studio of Dance.

Q: Do you ever wear a unitard on stage?
A: No, but ever since I saw the Judas Priest “Behind the Music” on the bus I’ve been considering it. If Rob Halford can look hot in one, there’s hope for me!

Q: Are you and Chris brother and sister?
A: We’re first cousins.

Q: Is the song “Cosmic Sing-a-long”  about middle school gym class?
A: Yes! You’ve been reading the blogs, haven’t you!

Q: Reverb or delay, if you had to choose one over the other?
A: Reverb!

Q: What’s the situation in Lebanon?
A: Dismal.

Q:  Is your tour bus pimped out? I.e. are there mirrors on the ceilings?
A: Yes! It’s such a bachelor pad. There’s even a circular couch in a secret back room where we take our nightly conquests.

Q: Have you had any work done? i.e. lip-implants? hair extensions?
A: Just Lee press-on nails.

Q: Is your drummer Joaquin Phoenix?
A: Unfortunately no. But he looks like a cross between Joaquin and a shorter Devendra Banhart.

Q: PC or MAC?
A: I don’t have a computer.

Q: Do you sell onesies at the merch table? For adults?
A: American Apparel ruined onesies for me. Now I think all babies look like slutty teenage girls.

Q: Do you have any embarrassing tattoos? Can you upload photos to twitter right now please?
A: Yes, I have spider webs on my elbows. I totally regret it so I’d rather not tweet them.

Q: Is Chris a time traveler from the 1950s?
A: Yes. If we were to bounce a ball on the tour bus, and another rock band was loading their gear on the side of the road, the ball would appear to move at a different speed to them, you feel me?

Q: Is English your second language?
A: You can tell?

Q: Are you afraid of snails? Like, if you were trapped in quick sand and they were all over your face?
A: Clusters of things gross me out- so yeah, snails all over my face would be visually unpleasing.

Q: Do you know if they still make CD Walkmen? I mean, who still uses that?
A: Funny you should ask, Aaron (Crypta-seize bass player) still uses a discman and brings an oversized case logic on tour with him. It needs its own seat belt, the thing weighs a ton.

Q: Did you invest in Sony Walkman, LLC? And do you totally regret it now?
A: I lived in Frisco during the dotcom crash and it wasn’t pretty.

Q: Will you sign my hard drive?
A: NO

Q: What’s your favorite internet provider?
A: Google

Q: Do you think Michael Jackson is still alive? Like, do you think he’s in outer space watching over us.
A: I heard when they discovered his body it was too late to cyrogenically freeze him, which I’m sure he’s pissed about.

Q: Is your bassist on lava life?
A: He’s not old enough, he’s only 13!

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