Wintertime Vegan Jalapeno Poppers
By Adam Gnade
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009

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Photo by lucianvenutian

It’s cold outside. You need some heat in your heart. Here’s your heat.

Ingredients:
26 oz can of Embasa brand whole Jalapenos
Small tub of Tofutti vegan cream cheese
Two cups spelt flour (for gluten-free use rice flour)
Seasoned salt
Garlic
Almond milk (unsweetened if you can)
Tequila (try Patron.)

Directions:
Cut tops off jalapenos then slice open on one side-but not completely end-to-end, just a cut small enough to remove seeds. Scoop out seeds (be gentle) with your forefinger then wash jalapenos under running tap water to take some of the heat out. (Or don’t-and bask in the FIRE.) Using a teaspoon (or your finger) stuff jalapenos with cream cheese. Make sure they’re nice and full since some of the cream cheese will cook off. Pat and firm up like you’re rolling a ball of dough-but gently.

Take a shot of tequila. Laugh robustly and thank whoever or whatever you choose to thank that you’re still above ground.

Put one cup of flour mixed with a few pinches of seasoned salt and a light sprinkle of garlic powder in one bowl and two cups of almond milk in another. Dip each popper in milk using your dominant hand then roll it in flour with the other hand. (Don’t switch hands or it’ll get messy.) Let flour-coated popper dry on plate. Do this with all the peppers.

Take another shot of tequila while you’re waiting for the poppers to dry (five minutes should be cool.) Turn up the music you’re listening to. (Suggestions: something rowdy and alive-feeling … Vicente Fernandez, Waylon/Willie, or maybe the Dirty Projectors.)

Repeat every step from “dip each popper” to “dry on plate.” This’ll give you a nice coat of flour.

Set floured poppers in a half inch of very hot vegetable oil in frying pan and turn with fork until deep golden. Let sit five minutes then eat. Love your life.

Note: At no point in this process should you rub your eyes with your hands. Your head will melt off like the Nazis from Indiana Jones.

BIO: Adam Gnade's (guh nah dee) work is released as a series of books and records that share characters and themes; the fiction writing continuing plot-lines left open by the self-described "talking songs" in an attempt to compile a vast, detailed, interconnected, personal history of contemporary American life. Check out recent writing here and songs here. Contact: adam@asthmatickitty.com

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2 Responses to “Wintertime Vegan Jalapeno Poppers”

  1. posty mcposterton Says:

    ooo… vegan poppers!? i’m totally making these at our next veggie supper club…

    ~Dan

  2. Adam Gnade Says:

    I made them again this weekend for a big house party I was throwing and they came out even better. New additions: regular flour instead of spelt. Soy milk instead of almond. Garlic and basil instead of garlic. Also, lightly bread the hot carrots that come with the Embasa chilis and fry them as a side dish.

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